Australian Penguin Thieves Apologize

September 12, 2013

by Brendan McGinley

So you’re Australian, and you’re drunk, because you’re Australian, and you and your mates decide the best way to make today a g’day to do is to break into Sea World. And this is far from the worst idea anyone’s ever had drunk, unless you count the risk of drowning or animal attack. But follow our drunk logic for a second — FREE SEA WORLD, NO LINES!

…Surfers Paradise?

First they cavorted with the dolphins, because they might have been drunk but they weren’t stupid. Then the gang remembered how many times they had watched The Hangover, and decied to abscond with a penguin. Yes, a penguin! Why wouldn’t you run away with a free penguin if you could get one?

Unfortunately, they then woke up to what must have been a pounding hangover, squishy underwear, and a baffled fairy penguin complaining that their bathroom lacked both ice and fish stupid enough to live in ice.

If that’s not an adorable enough concept for you to imagine, know that fairy penguins are also known as little blue penguins, because that’s exactly what they are, and they waddle around wak wak wak, looking for other penguins to play with. That’s their whole life, and then they get kidnapped by an elite team of drunks at what you would think is the start of a great adventure to learn that friends are what counts in life. But no, instead the abductors realized what jerks they’d been and set him free.

The men tried to ransom the tape of their actions to 7 News in exchange for lawyer’s fees, because they knew there was no way they were getting out of this one, but that’s against the principles of journalism. The only downside of this news story (besides the sheltered animal lost, confused, hungry, and exposed to predators) is the fact that the penguin’s name was Dirk, and not something squee like Mr. Flipperfoot or Baron Tuxedo von Waddlebutt. Thankfully, he’s home safe now, and kicking around new names for himself.


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